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[17 Apr 2005|10:27am] |
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I had another nightmare last night, this one a little more graphic that the mini-dreams I've been having lately. It used to be there we just fragments of dreams, flickering images, sound fading in and out as thought someone kept pressing a mute button, like I was watching a broken TV. But last night everything I've been seeing was pieced together into one long dream I woke up screaming from.
I know I'm not very brave. I know I get scared way to easily, and that I'm way too emotional about some things. But... how can I apologize for that? How can you tell people you're sorry for being foolish, sorry for being afraid all the time? How do you apologize for your own fear? Your own anxiety?
I haven't had such a bad dream since the Meikai Bujutsukkai... and I know I keep bringing that up in this journal, but I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I'm afraid to bring it up -- afraid of upsetting anyone. So I talk about it here, where no one has to know how silly and stupid I am.
My dream... I don't remember much since waking up -- some of the details have slipped my mind. But I remember the figure of a man, tall and lank and thin. He was laughing. There were other people around me, and although I couldn't see their faces I could feel their fear radiating off of them like heat. It was so crazy, and so bizarre...
But I woke up frightened nonetheless.
Anyway, Rinku's just woken up. Think I'll go make the two of us some breakfast.
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[30 Jan 2005|05:06pm] |
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mood |
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It's been so long since I updated this. I guess I just haven't had the energy.
I've got my own apartment now. I'll admit, I was a little reluctant to leave the Kuwabaras'. I was in good company with Shizuru and Kuwabara, especially Shizuru. She was really helpful during my whole little pre-tournament crisis... Speaking of the tournament...
I don't know how to put it in words. It haunts me still, sometimes. I'm just starting to get over the numbness and forget how scared I was then, but I can't help but think about it sometimes. It's like the morning after a nightmare. Even hours after you've woken up, you think about the dream and how terrible it was, how frightened you were, and it all comes back to you. You shiver and flinch and your heart wrenches for a brief instant, and you don't know why. I don't know... Maybe I'm being silly.
I've been avoiding people... I'm sorry, to everyone who reads this. I guess... I guess I just felt that I had no reason to approach anybody. I bet most of them have forgotten I even live here, or exist... I don't know why I feel this way, but I want to see them. I want to see everybody. I hate living alone with my thoughts. They only make me sad, whereas people like Hinageshi and Rinku made me smile. Most of them probably hate me so much right now... I was such a nuisance that whole time, underfoot and needing help all the time, with the poltergeist and then the tournament...
I need to stop dwelling on the past. It's terrorizing my present and just about killing my future.
I see Suzuki-san often, when he leaves or goes back to the apartment. I don't know if he sees me... But I can never work up the courage to just walk up to him and say hello. I can't pretend that nothing happened, that nothing is there, or was there, or... I don't know. I can't tell anymore, I've been away from everything for so long...
I need to get out and go for a walk, to clear my head. I don't have work tonight, so it looks like another evening alone for me...
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[31 Jul 2004|02:22pm] |
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It's been such a long time since I updated! I guess I've been keeping myself busy and nearly forgot about my poor journal. ^^; Sorry everyone!
I looked for a new job, just like Satsukiame-chan said, and so far things have been going... not so well. I have a good amount of money saved up, but my pay is just... meager. The cafe is in serious danger of shutting down, unless we start getting some customers! My manager is trying everything and has asked the employees to help her come up with ideas. But my brain is fried, I'm not very much help...
I need to grocery shopping for Shizuru and Kuwabara, then make dinner and bring some over to Rinku and Suzuki's apartment...
Speaking of the apartment, I hear Chuu is there now? O_O Wow...
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| A little bit of strangeness... |
[09 Jun 2004|07:45pm] |
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mood |
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| kawaii_juri's LJ stalker is utskushiisuzuki! | | utskushiisuzuki is stalking you because they saw your picture and fell in love.. They are also prank calling you regularly! |
LJ Stalker FinderFrom Go-Quiz.comUmmm... Some of the stuff out there on the internet is, kind of creepy... But Rinku insisted I post this, so, there it is. ^^; Things are quiet. Shishiwakamaru is at a tournament with his students, and everyone else is always working or busy doing something else... I've been keeping to myself lately, at work to. My pay seems to get lower by the week... My manager says it's something to do with the price of keeping the building and the cafe open is starting to seem a lot higher than it did when she first opened the place. Satsukiame-chan told me to start looking for another job, just in case... So much to worry about, so little time... I'm off to Rinku and Suzuki's apartment to bring dinner. Rinku tells me Suzuki's cooking is... well, awful. ^^;;
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| I am here! |
[17 May 2004|05:12pm] |
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mood |
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Aiiii it's been so long! ^^;
Both Shizuru-san and Kuwabara-san updated, so I figured I should too. I see no one else has been using their LiveJournals as often now either...
I've been busying myself between visiting the temple and Rinku's apartment in the mornings, (Suzuki sort of lost reign there, even though he did move back in...)helping around the house during the afternoons, and working at night. Satsukiame and I have been transferred to the night shift, which should last all summer, and then in the fall we start up again during the day. Our pay is still kinda bad, but I need what money I can get!
Everyone at the temple is seemingly well, and things are quieter now. It's hard to think that a few months ago we all thought everyone else was dead! ....Well, I don't want to think about that so...
The timer on the oven just went off, brownies are done! I'll write more tomorrow, or whenever I get more free time. ^^
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[17 Apr 2004|02:50pm] |
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mood |
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I haven't updated in a while. I think I should, just to show everyone that I'm not dead or anyting. ^^; Sorry if I worried any of you.
Things have settled down a bit. I've been busying myself between work, visiting the temple, and helping Shizuru and Kuwabara around the house. I appreciate them letting me stay with them. Rinku has been content in the apartment with himself and Chuu-chan, but I make sure to stop by every other day or so to replenish his supply of food and clean up a bit. That boy is kind of messy... I don't know what Suzuki-san has been doing with himself... I haven't talked to him lately... I think Rinku has yet to let him back into the apartment. After all...
I have work in half an hour, I'm off to get ready. Sorry again for not updating sooner. ^^;
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[25 Mar 2004|05:57pm] |
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I'm okay everyone. Sorry for worrying all of you, I was staying at my coworker Satsukiame's house for a little while. I wasn't feeling too well and I didn't want to burden you all.
I've got work in an hour, I better get ready. Will write more later if I have the time...
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[19 Mar 2004|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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*Private Entry*
Shishiwakamaru-san told me about him and Touya-san.
I can't be mad at him, I can't. I don't have the heart to. But there's this small part of me, deep inside my heart, that feels almost betrayed... I trusted Shishi with my secret, and then he... No, I can't be mad at him. It isn't his fault.
It's mine. In the first place...
I can't think straight right now, I'm so tired. But I know I have to try to forget my feelings for Touya-san, if I can... I have to try... It hurts too much, and I don't want to hold on to that...
...And if Suzuki-san yells at me one more time for being "lethargic" I'm going to hit him.
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[19 Mar 2004|04:25pm] |
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Touya-san is healing up pretty well. I checked on him not too long ago. He was sleeping. Rinku-chan is still at the apartment, getting along okay on his own. He thinks he'll only get in the way if he hangs around here too much, but he's coming here for dinner a bit later.
I talked to Shishiwakamaru-san today. We cleared some things up and had a nice little chat. He let me take a nap, which served me much good, while he went out and ran some errands for me. Thanks again, Shishi-san. ^^
I'm really tired and I have a few more things to do, so I'll write a little more later when I find the time.
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[14 Mar 2004|11:21am] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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I left work early last night so I could go back to the temple. Satsukiame covered for me, I owe her one.
I must've raided every shop in town; the temple is now stocked with enough bandages, antiseptic and other medical supplies to heal an army. And it appears that an army is just what we have. All the boys are here. They got pretty beat up. From what I hear they managed to damage Karasu just as badly, if not worse, but before they could really finish him off that Kuronue person took his body and ran away.
Kurama-san is in the worst shape. His hair is cut short and he doesn't look at all like his old self. He just lays there, staring at the ceiling. I've never see him so... so helpless, so...
I hope Karasu is dead. He deserves the most bloody and painful death imagineable for what he did to Kurama-san.
Touya-san is hurt to. I spoke with Shishi-san briefly while I helped him tend to a few bruises, and he sad that Touya-san had set off a booby trap left by Karasu. His bombs. I offered to help him take care of Touya, but Shishi-san said that it was alright and I was needed elsewhere in the temple.
I went to go see how Suzuki-san was doing, but when I looked in Hinageshi-chan was with him and they were talking in hushed voices, and I didn't want to interrupt so I went to help Jin with his wounds. He was knocked unconcious halfway into the fight, so his wounds aren't as numerous as some of the others.
I went back to the apartment early this morning while it was still dark to check up on Rinku. I pre-made some meals for him, so if I'm ever not there and he's hungry he can just put them on the stove or in the microwave. The dog that Hinageshi-chan was taking care of, Chuu, needs a home, so Rinku is taking him in. I don't mind at all, but Suzuki-san may be a different story...
It's nearly lunchtime now. I'm going to go fix something for everyone, since they're all busy either tending or getting tended to. Shishi-san looks particularly stressed, maybe I'll bring him some tea... And when I'm done I'm going to go visit Shizuru-san and make sure she's alright.
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[10 Mar 2004|05:59pm] |
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mood |
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They rescued Kurama-san.
I need to get supplies together for them. No doubt they're tired and hungry and hurt. I'm going to do all I can to help them. Kurama-san, none of them, would have had to go through this torture if...
...Too much thinking. I'll write more later.
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[07 Mar 2004|12:08pm] |
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*Private Post*
The boys are out there, right now, looking for Kurama-san, and...
So much for Suzuki-san trying to hide it from me. Apparantly he trusted Rinku with the information, and he spilled to me over ice cream sundaes last night. It hurts that he couldn't tell me they were going to Makai. What would I do, blab their whereabouts to Karasu? I don't think so.
That's why I'm so worried. They're looking for Karasu. I saw what he did to Rinku in the Meikai Bujutsukkai, to Hiei-san, to that Meikai demon... I saw Kurama-san's last post... and his... The boys need to find Kurama-san, then get him and themeselves out of there as fast as they can.
...This is out of place, but I'm really worried about Touya-san. We had a little talk when he came over for tea last Friday, and he seemed... distant. Like there was something he was trying to hide, or the opposite, trying to say... I don't know, I don't understand men so I can't say I think I know what's wrong with him... Touya-san has a sort of debt to Kurama-san, dating back to the last Ankoku Bujutsukkai. I didn't see the fight myself, but Koto-chan told me about it. I hate to think how far he would go to repay that debt...
...I don't want to almost lose him... again.
I'm grateful that Shishi-san has kept his promise, and hasn't said anything to anyone. I'm glad I can trust him. And I know he'd heading the search out there, so I know Kurama-san will be rescued soon...
...I just hope Karasu doesn't find them first...
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[06 Mar 2004|07:37pm] |
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Work has been tiring. There was a problem of some sort during the week I was gone, and they've had to cut the employees' pay in half. I don't have nearly enough to make ends meet now. Between me and Suzuki-san, we can barely even pay rent and buy food, and that's our paychecks combined! I may need to find a second job, or a better one...
I came home and the apartment was a MESS! The silver mirror near the door was shattered, a lamp was broken, some other stuff... That god-awful ceramic chicken Suzuki-san loved so much is broken, so I don't mind it that much. Everything was his anyway, and only took up useless space. It was all pretty ugly and out of place.
But Rinku isn't here! I wonder how this all got broken...
...Nevermind. I just found one of Rinku's yo-yos amidst the rubble.
Ah, well. I'm going to get started on dinner. Rinku will undoubtedly be hungry when he gets home. ^^ And maybe I'll start searching the adds in the newspaper for jobs...
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[03 Mar 2004|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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Touya-san came over Friday. We drank tea and talked. Suzuki-san got agitated and locked himself in his bedroom. I don't know why.
I think Suzuki-san and I have been annoying Rinku. I don't want to chase him out. I'll leave here if I have to.
Kurama-san posted. Karasu made him. It's horrible. I can only imagine what is happening to him... ...No. I don't want to think about it.
The boys met today around noon to decide what to do. They're going to save Kurama-san. I hope they hurry, from the looks of Kurama-san's post, he...
I feel horrible. I'm calling in sick tonight.
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[25 Feb 2004|08:56pm] |
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calm |
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I met Yukina-chan yesterday down by the cinema. She decided to name her kitty Kazu-chan! It's so adorable, him and Hoshi. ^^ We went to go see Botan and bring her some cheer-up goodies. She's holding up fine, but we know something's wrong... I think I can guess, but I don't want to pressure her about it.
...That tournament was awful.
This morning I went down to see Shishi-san at his dojo. He took me out for tea, he's so nice. ^^ I asked him if he knew what to do about rescuing Kurama-san yet, but I he's still thinking about it. And I got his advice on... things. He helped me alot with my...dilemma. I plan on taking action really soon. And I apologize for knocking him over at the Meikai Bujutsukkai. ^^;
I got off of work early tonight, business was slow. We had another open-mic night, and no one was getting up to sing so one of my coworkers, a ningen girl named Satsukiame, took my tray from me and just pushed me up on the little stage-thing! @.@ I was nervous at first and didn't know what to say, but I recognized the song playing as one of Ayumi Hamasaki's, a popular ningen singer here, and I just let myself go. People clapped for me, it felt so good! It reminded me of my days commentating and being a referee for the Ankoku Bujutsukkai...
Anyway my manager heard me and said I have potential! She asked me to sing again next time we have an open-mic night. I'll make sure to ask when it is ahead of time so the girls can come down and we can have a night to ourselves, just to make up for the Valentine's Day fiasco... -.-;;
...Suzuki-san is yelling for me to stop spending so much time on his laptop. I haven't updated this journal in a while, what is his PROBLEM?! I mean, he's been so two-sided lately. He's either nicer than nice, or meaner than mean. Somebody PLEASE talk to him and find out what's wrong! He won't tell me and he's not divulging anything to Rinku, and he is FRUSTRATING ME! >.<
Rinku keeps eating all the pocky, so I think I'll go make dinner now. ^^ Sharing an apartment with them is a lot better than I thought it would be, although I wish Suzuki-san would just tell me what's wrong...
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